Episode 19: My Own Feelings

I wonder when I first started being interested in Takanashi-san…

It’s only natural for Takanashi-san to wonder, but I too realized before I knew it that he felt different from other boys.

Thinking about my own personality to begin with…

I rarely have a good impression of others.

Especially toward boys, because of my past experiences, their still-childish words and actions, and their insincerity in confessing with obvious ulterior motives while knowing nothing about me…

Because I have only dealt with people like that, I feel a sense of disgust.

Of course, starting with the President, I understand there are serious and steady people.

I don’t intend to treat people like that with such coldness, but it’s also a fact that I build a wall somewhere.

And I build a wall toward girls too.

There are many reasons, but what was especially terrible was being targeted with resentment for turning down boys who made insincere confessions to me.

I don’t want to remember it, but I recall being told quite a lot.

Among them, there were even people who did not like that I turned everyone down.

I’m sure quite a lot was being said behind my back too.

But I became friends with Natsumi because she helped me when that resentment was continuing.

There are others… no, let’s stop, it is unpleasant just to remember.

I thought that if I could make people think「If it’s her, then it can’t be helped,」I could silence the noisy people around me, so I raised my grades, became the Student Council Vice President, and achieved results by responding to requests and student opinions as much as possible.

And then I was praised as if everyone had suddenly changed their tune… though people who used to talk behind my back were mixed in there.

This is the current me.

…Thinking about it like this, at the very least, Takanashi-san doesn’t fall into any of those bad categories.

The things that left a strong impression on me regarding Takanashi-san were…

The flower beds, of course.

Even though no one noticed and nothing was said, he still silently looked after them.

I’m grateful just for that.

And… the sight of him comforting a crying child in the shopping district left a particularly strong impression.

「Nyan-nyan, is your mama not here?」

He was talking to the little girl in such a cute way.

It felt so natural, to be able to interact with a child like that.

After that, he held hands with the girl who had stopped crying and went back in the direction she likely came from.

I think he went to look for her mother.

At that time, Takanashi-san’s smile toward the child and the sight of his back as they walked hand-in-hand left a strong impression on me.

After that, I saw Takanashi-san carrying that little girl several times while on my way to school.

That kind face of his was still very impressive.

These were things I could not imagine coming from the childish boys I have seen so much of until now.

It was right then that the incident on the rooftop happened, and Takanashi-san appeared during a lunch break when he does not usually come, and we were able to talk for the first time.

…At that point, I already felt that Takanashi-san was different from other boys…

The boy who helped Obaa-chan was also Takanashi-san.

Apparently, he left without even giving his name, saying he did not need a reward, and I thought I would like to thank him if we ever met… but knowing it was Takanashi-san, it made sense in a way.

Including Obaa-chan’s share, I thought I must properly thank him for everything so far.

Before we met, and after we met, all these things piled up, and I felt that Takanashi-san was a trustworthy person, different from others… I was able to think of him as someone I liked.

That is why I felt like I wanted us to be on good terms.

I feel like I finally understand what I had simply brushed off as「strange.」

That is why I panicked more than ever at having caused a misunderstanding that made Takanashi-san sad, and as a result, I have caused him even more trouble this time.

Now that I have realized it… I definitely feel like we are close friends.

It feels a bit different from how I feel about Natsumi, but there is the gender difference, and in Takanashi-san’s case, there have been many things including today, so I suppose that accounts for the difference.

I want us to be on good terms from now on.

…These are my feelings.