LMLCG – Episode 19 – My Feelings

I wonder how long I’ve been aware of Takanashi-san…

It’s natural for Takanashi-san to be suspicious, but even I realized I had begun to see him as someone different from all the other boys.

First of all, if I look back on who I am as a person…

I don’t have a very good impression of other people. In most cases, I don’t have one at all.

Especially toward boys, I’ve long held a deep aversion, shaped by past experiences. The immature behavior, the way they approach me with ulterior motives and confess to me while knowing nothing about me.

I feel disgusted having been involved with people like that.

Of course, I understand that there are serious and reliable people, like the student council president.

I don’t intend to treat such people with any hostility, but it’s true that I’ve built walls around myself.

Even with other girls… I’ve walled myself off.

There are many reasons, but the worst was how often I became the target of resentment from those boys I rejected.

I’d rather not recall the specifics, but I remember being told quite a lot of things.

Some people didn’t like the fact that I turned down everything.

I’m sure they said all kinds of things behind my back, too.

But that’s how I became friends with Natsumi, because she helped me when those grudges started to grow out of control.

There were other things but… let’s stop here. Just remembering them makes me sick.

I thought that if I could make others think, “It’s her, there’s nothing we can do about it,” I would be able to silence them. So I raised my grades, became the vice president of the student council, handled as many student requests and concerns as I could… That’s how I achieved success.

And like flipping a switch, people started to praise me… even the ones who used to talk behind my back.

That’s who I am now.

…Now that I think about it, Takanashi-san doesn’t fit into any of those “negative” patterns.

The impression I have of him comes largely from the flower bed, of course.

No one minded. No one said anything. Yet he continued tending to it in silence.

I was grateful.

And… the sight of him comforting a crying child in the shopping district, in particular, stood out.

“Nyan nyan~ Where’s your mother?”

He spoke to the girl in a very cute way.

I was amazed by how he could interact with a child so naturally.

After the girl stopped crying, he took her hand and walked in the direction she’d likely came from.

Perhaps he was helping the girl find her mother.

What stuck with me most was the smile he gave that child, and the image of him walking away with her, hand in hand .

Later, on the way to school, I saw him again, carrying that same girl in his arms.

That gentle expression of his really made a lasting impression.

That kind of behavior was nothing like what I’d come to expect from the childish boys.

Then there was that time on the rooftop. Takanashi-san, who usually didn’t come during lunch, showed up, and we were able to talk for the first time.

…Even at that point, I had already felt that Takanashi-san was different from the other boys…

It was Takanashi-san who had helped my grandmother, too.

He said he didn’t need any thanks and left without even telling her his name. I was thinking that I would thank the person who helped if I ever ran into them… when I found out it was Takanashi-san, it somehow all made sense.

I wanted to properly thank him, for everything, including what he’d done for my grandmother.

Before and after we met… All these small moments accumulated and made me feel that Takanashi-san was trustworthy. He was different from others… someone I could feel comfortable around.

That’s why I wanted us to become friends.

The things I had once written off as “mysterious”… Now I finally understood what they were.

Which is why I more upset more than ever when I caused a misunderstanding and made Takanashi-san sad. In the end, I caused him even more trouble.

Now that I think about it again… I definitely feel like he is a close friend.

It’s not the same kind of closeness I have with Natsumi. There’s a difference. Of course, gender is a part of it, but more than that, it’s about everything we’ve been through.

I want to get along with him from now on.

…That’s how I feel.