Episode 192: Guilt

I struggled with it, I really did.

As I walked… as I watched Kazunari-san’s back from a distance…

Until I heard it from Kazunari-san himself, I thought I didn’t need to know the truth.

I was certain he would tell me eventually.

I thought it was enough for me to just wait…

But now, having unexpectedly witnessed Kazunari-san going out, I just couldn’t hold back my feelings anymore.

Why is he always so tired?

Why are there shirts covered in heavy dirt?

Why has his physique changed so suddenly?

And… the money…

With all these conditions met, even I can guess what Kazunari-san is doing.

Because of that, I should be able to wait until he’s ready to talk.

And yet, I…

The Kazunari-san walking in front of me eventually enters a shop.

Is this… a liquor store?

I watched the shop from afar, thinking about what I wanted to do and why I was even here. Should I just go home? I couldn’t make up my mind, and my body felt frozen.

Before long, Kazunari-san appeared wearing an apron, and I could see him doing something in a place that looked like a warehouse.

At that moment, my guess was confirmed.

I’ve learned the answer.

I found out about the part-time job Kazunari-san wanted to keep a secret. Even though I should have known…

Right now, what fills my heart is a sense of relief and… guilt.

Before I knew it, someone was talking to Kazunari-san. Is that… Yokogawa-san and Todo-san?

Why are those two here… Kazunari-san…

My body moved almost unconsciously.

As I started to walk, I saw the two of them walking toward my direction.

We should check on Takanashi-kun again later. Especially his right hand…

Takanashi-kun’s right hand is getting worse by the day, and even to an amateur like me, it looks like he’s at his limit.

Honestly, I want him to stop working right now. But Takanashi-kun is desperately enduring it and working hard for the sake of someone precious to him, so I just can’t bring myself to stop him…

「Are you okay, Todo-san?」

「Yeah… sorry, Yokogawa-kun.」

「Is Kazunari really being that reckless?」

「I think his body is just tired. It’s a bit better than before, but… still…」

I was so focused on our conversation and the darkness of the night that I didn’t pay much attention to the figure approaching us.

!!??

「Satsukawa-senpai!?」

「Wh… why are you here…」

We ran right into Satsukawa-senpai, who was standing there with a bewildered expression.

I reflexively looked back to check on Takanashi-kun.

It looked like he was inside the warehouse and wasn’t looking our way.

I have to get Satsukawa-senpai away from here before Takanashi-kun notices!!

「Satsukawa-senpai, come over here!!」

「Eh, um…」

「Hurry! Do you want to waste all of Kazunari’s efforts!?」

Yokogawa-kun raised his voice quite strongly. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard him sound like that.

Yokogawa-kun, who didn’t even yell during that incident, raising his voice at a girl, and especially at Satsukawa-senpai…

Maybe she was startled by Yokogawa-kun’s intensity, because Satsukawa-senpai’s eyes went wide before she gave a solemn nod and followed us to a different spot.

Yokogawa-kun stayed right behind Satsukawa-senpai, probably making sure Takanashi-kun wouldn’t notice.

「Satsukawa-senpai, I’m sorry about earlier…」

Once we moved, Yokogawa-kun was the first to bow his head.

「No… I’m the one who should apologize.」

Satsukawa-senpai didn’t seem to mind Yokogawa-kun’s behavior at all. With a dark expression, she bowed her head in return.

「Satsukawa-senpai, why are you here? I didn’t think Takanashi-kun told you…」

I decided to ask the thing I wanted to confirm most.

「I happened to see Kazunari-san going out…」

I remembered the report from Natsumi-senpai during today’s call about how Satsukawa-senpai was starting to notice things. Seeing Takanashi-kun leave must have made her follow him without thinking…

「Satsukawa-senpai, please! Just pretend you didn’t see anything today and go home!!」

Yokogawa-kun bowed deeply with a desperate look on his face.

「Kazunari worked his heart out because he wanted to surprise you and make you happy, Satsukawa-senpai! It’s not too late… he’ll definitely tell you the details himself. So please, respect his feelings!!」

…Yokogawa-kun really is a wonderful person.

To be this sincere… even bowing his head for his friend’s sake.

Takanashi-kun, who can work himself to the bone for someone he loves, and Yokogawa-kun, who can be this desperate for a friend… they’re such wonderful friends, almost too good for me.

「Yokogawa-san, please raise your head. I’m the one who should’ve waited for Kazunari-san to speak… why… why did I…」

Satsukawa-senpai looked tragic, her face clearly showing how much she regretted her own actions.

But I don’t think what Satsukawa-senpai did is strange at all.

「Satsukawa-senpai, I respect you. I really think you’re incredible. You can do so many things on your own, to the point where it feels like there’s nothing you can’t do… and you can be so kind, so hardworking, and so respectful toward someone you care about, just like Takanashi-kun. I think you two are a perfect match. But… no matter how amazing you are, you’re still a girl, Senpai.」

Satsukawa-senpai looked up at my last words.

I didn’t say anything rude… right?

「People at school call you a Goddess or think you’re some kind of superhuman who can do anything, but you’re just a normal girl like the rest of us. It’s only natural to feel anxious about the boy you like, to want to see for yourself, or to let your emotions run away with you.」

Satsukawa-senpai listened to me in silence. I think she understands.

I heard that the old Satsukawa-senpai was a lonely person who kept everyone at a distance and handled everything alone. That’s probably why she’s so hard on herself. She can’t forgive herself for not being able to wait after she’d already decided to wait for Takanashi-kun… she’s probably feeling that kind of resentment and regret.

「So, please forgive yourself. Your feelings and your actions aren’t strange at all. They’re perfectly normal.」

「But… I…」

Satsukawa-senpai fell silent and looked down again. Even if she can understand it logically, she probably can’t forgive herself emotionally…

I wonder how much time passed after that.

Five minutes? Ten?

「!? Todo-san, Kazunari is!」

Yokogawa-kun had been keeping an eye on Takanashi-kun from the shadow of the building, but he suddenly spoke up in a panic. When I checked… Takanashi-kun was heading this way!?

What do I do… if he runs into Satsukawa-senpai here, then all of Takanashi-kun’s hard work will really be for… that can’t happen!!

Luckily, Satsukawa-senpai probably hasn’t noticed the present yet. If Takanashi-kun doesn’t find out about this, we might still be able to protect the most important thing.

「Yokogawa-kun, I’ll go, so you stay with Satsukawa-senpai! Satsukawa-senpai, please, you have to wait here.」

I called out to Yokogawa-kun and Satsukawa-senpai, then quickly grabbed the coffee for the delivery from my bag.

I practically threw my bag on the ground, fixed my expression, and started running.

For Takanashi-kun and Satsukawa-senpai’s sake, I have to pull this off…

Todo-san’s words are spinning around in my head over and over.

A normal thing… only natural.

The「normal」everyone talks about is probably different from my「normal.」I have standards I impose on myself.

That’s why I can’t forgive myself.

Even though I trust Kazunari-san, my body still moved. No… I couldn’t endure it. I couldn’t control myself…

As a result, I’ve ruined Kazunari-san’s feelings. I… the one who treasures Kazunari-san more than anyone!

Even with a guess that’s almost a certainty, it remains just a guess until you confirm the answer.

This time, even if I noticed something, not knowing the answer was the correct path. I should’ve known that easily if I’d just thought about it calmly.

Now I’m going to bring this guilt into our date tomorrow. And I’ve been forced to lie.

「(Satsukawa-senpai hasn’t noticed the real goal of the part-time job. If I don’t say anything unnecessary, Kazunari might still…) Satsukawa-senpai. Like I said before, please just go home today. Please. Tomorrow will be fine…」

「It’s okay. I don’t intend to do anything more. So please… at least let me watch over Kazunari-san for just a little longer…」

I can’t undo what I’ve already learned.

In that case, at least… I want to burn the image of Kazunari-san working for my sake into my eyes.

That was the only thing I could think of right now…

「……I’m home.」

「Welcome back, you’re late, aren’t you?」

The moment I opened the front door, Okaa-san came to greet me. I’m a bit late, but she doesn’t seem to mind.

「Yes… a little… I’m sorry, I’m going to my room.」

「Wait.」

My usually gentle mother spoke with a sharp voice I’d rarely heard before.

I stopped in my tracks out of surprise.

「I don’t know what happened, but there’s no way I’m letting you go to your room with that look on your face. Tell me what happened with Takanashi-san.」

Okaa-san asked with certainty that something had happened with Kazunari-san. That wasn’t surprising, but right now, it was painful to even put the answer into words…

「………Even though I trusted Kazunari-san…」

When I said only that, Okaa-san nodded as if she understood everything.

「I see… you noticed. Well, Takanashi-san isn’t the type who’s good at keeping secrets, and you’ve become especially sharp when it comes to him, Sara-chan.」

「Did you know that Kazunari-san was working a part-time job at a liquor store?」

What does this mean?

I can understand Yokogawa-san or Todo-san knowing. They’re his friends. But Okaa-san shouldn’t have anything to do with it.

「Eh? A liquor store? …Ah!? Th-that’s right, I saw Takanashi-san working before and we talked for a bit.」

For some reason, Okaa-san gave a very rapid-fire explanation, but more importantly right now…

「Ahem… so, you found out about Takanashi-san’s part-time job, and what about it?」

「…I said I trusted Kazunari-san, but I couldn’t endure until he was ready to tell me. As a result, I’ve made Kazunari-san’s feelings meaningless…」

My own weakness crushed Takanashi-kun’s efforts. I feel so sorry for him… I’m sure during tomorrow’s date too…

「I see. So Takanashi-san’s lover is a woman who would crush his hard work over a little mistake like that? Poor Takanashi-san.」

!?

That might be the first time Okaa-san has ever said something so harsh to me.

I’m the one crushing it… she’s right, I’m crushing it…

「Sara, what does Takanashi-san want? What does Takanashi-san want from you? If the roles were reversed, what would you want from Takanashi-san?」

If the roles were reversed?

If I were working because I wanted to celebrate Kazunari-san’s birthday… and I didn’t want him to know, but he found out anyway… I wouldn’t want him to feel sorry. If anything…

「If it were me… even if he found out, I’d want Takanashi-kun to be happy. I’d want him to feel bliss.」

「Takanashi-san worked so hard because he wanted you to feel that way, right? The surprise might be gone. But if you’re going to crush Takanashi-san’s pure feelings with your own selfish guilt, then break up with him right now. A woman like that isn’t worthy of Takanashi-san.」

「!?」

Not worthy… me?

The shock was so great I felt like I would collapse.

Break up?

I would never want that… I don’t even want to imagine it.

Anything but that… anything but that!!

「Sara, what is it you should be doing?」

Okaa-san’s words were like a cross-examination.

But there was no need to even ask.

「I should answer Kazunari-san’s feelings.」

「Can you no longer be happy for him from the bottom of your heart?」

「No, Kazunari-san’s feelings make me truly happy.」

「If you understand that, then it’s a simple story. Don’t think about anything else and just be honest tomorrow. If you’re happy, be happy. If you’re having fun, have fun. If you’re blissful, be blissful. You don’t have to be stupidly honest and tell him you found out about the part-time job, you know? Because if you’re truly enjoying yourself, then Takanashi-san’s struggles will be rewarded…」

What was I thinking?

My head was so full of resentment toward my own incompetence and guilt toward Kazunari-san.

I was so depressed that I would ruin everything if I went on the date with those feelings, and I lost sight of what was truly important.

I’m happy that Kazunari-san worked a part-time job for me. I’m happy that he struggled for me. I’m so happy to be loved by Kazunari-san, that is how I truly feel.

I have no need for a guilt that Kazunari-san doesn’t want!

「Are you awake now?」

When I looked up, Okaa-san was giving me her usual gentle smile.

「Yes, I won’t hesitate anymore. Tomorrow is a treasure that Kazunari-san is giving to me.」

「That’s right. Go and be happy with Takanashi-san tomorrow. (It looks like she hasn’t noticed the real purpose of the part-time job… in that case, we’re still safe…)」

I am truly a lucky person.

Thank you, Kazunari-san.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow…