Episode 377: Interlude「A Deserved Punishment」

I wonder why it turned out like this…

I wonder what I was even doing…

Even if I ask myself those questions every day, the answers never come. No, I know that everything is my own fault, but I seriously don’t know what I was thinking back then or why I was so crazy. I just can’t understand it.

But the one thing I can say for sure is that back then, I was the absolute worst, a truly horrible person…

That’s… all there is to it.

「Sigh…」

Right now, I’m living far away from the city where I used to live, in a place so distant it requires transfers between planes and trains… a regional city where I don’t have a single friend, relative, or acquaintance.

If you’re wondering why I went out of my way to move to a place I have no connection to…

It is, of course, because I got exactly what I deserved.

「I don’t know why you’re letting out such a gloomy sigh, but it’s irritating, so could you please stop?」

「I-I’m sorry.」

「Honestly… this whole situation is the result of your own actions, isn’t it? I haven’t heard the full details, but considering how furious Eri onee-sama was, I don’t even have to imagine how awful the content was, do I?」

「Ugh…」

The person showering me with these harsh, merciless words is…

My current classmate and, in a way, the person who looks after me the most, Shinjo Kaori-san.

She is a distant relative of the daughter of the chairman of the globally renowned giant, the Nishikawa Group. She reigns at the very top of the classroom caste… or rather, she’s a genuine, local high-society young lady said to have influence over the entire school.

And as for why someone like Shinjo-san makes such pointed remarks to me… it’s because she holds the position of my「monitor.」

From the day I moved here until now, the shock I felt during our first meeting remains vivid and terrifying in my memory…

「Let me tell you this in advance. I can never forgive someone like you who caused such a massive amount of trouble for my beloved Eri onee-sama. I only accepted this because it was a direct request from her, but don’t you dare think for a second that we’re going to be friendly. I hate you. In fact, you are my enemy.」

…When she suddenly said all that to my face, I was honestly stunned…

But even then, when I thought about how I brought it on myself, I could do nothing but nod in agreement.

「By the way, final exams are coming up soon. I assume you’re studying, right? Your academic ability isn’t much to look at even as flattery, so I think working to improve that would be part of showing your reflection, wouldn’t it?」

「I-I know. I’m studying properly. I’m being serious about it…」

Regardless of how Shinjo-san even knows my grades.

In reality, I’m studying hard at both home and school, and I’m making an effort to reform my attitude toward life. But more than her idea of「showing reflection,」it’s so I can repay my Mother, who didn’t abandon me… I want to somehow return the favor to her in the future for taking responsibility for what I did.

That’s why I have to study, get better grades, find a job at the best company possible, and earn lots of money. Even if others would laugh at such a boring future goal, it’s important to me.

Because…

Every single bit of this is my own fault.

「Fine then. I’m scheduled to report everything about you to onee-sama periodically, including your grades and how you’re doing at school… so make sure you don’t try anything strange. Don’t forget that you reap what you sow.」

「You’re… right.」

「Well then, I have business to attend to, so I’ll be going. Good day.」

「Goodbye, Shinjo-san.」

Shinjo-san didn’t give any reaction to my「goodbye.」She just walked briskly toward the classroom exit while practically ignoring me. The way a circle of people immediately formed around her as she was called out to from all over spoke to how popular she is… the complete opposite of me.

「Sigh… Kaorin is as dignified as ever, isn’t she?」

「Hey, don’t call her that, she’ll be seriously mad if she hears you.」

「Anyway, why does she keep talking to that transfer student?」

「Who knows? They don’t look like friends, and she always looks grumpy, so isn’t she just an eyesore?」

「Ah, I can see that. That girl is way too plain, it’s honestly a drag just looking at her.」

And as soon as Shinjo-san and the others left the room, it began… the usual round of badmouthing from my classmates directed at me, with no attempt to hide it at all.

The word「plain」especially stuck in my ear because of the trauma it carries… but the current me is my old self. My hair is back to black, and I barely wear accessories or makeup. I’m the literal definition of「plain」now… so it’s only natural for them to think that.

「I guess I’ll go home…」

When I muttered that idly, of course, no one reacted. The people around me are just classmates, nothing more and nothing less.

And the current me is the old me.

Meaning…

My human relationships are also just like the old me.

「Sigh…」

I return to an empty home, and with a lingering sigh and a heavy heart, I change into my lounge clothes and throw myself onto the bed.

Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of my time like this when I’m not studying. Not too long ago, I would have spent my time at home constantly messaging everyone on RAIN or checking the latest trends online or in magazines to have something to talk about the next day… but there’s no point in doing that now.

To begin with, there’s no one who would be friends with someone as isolated as me, and especially with the situation with Shinjo-san, everyone ignores me even more. No one even looks like they want to talk to me. Being invited out to play is, of course, out of the question.

And the smartphone I use now is a kids’ model with restricted functions. There are only two contacts in the address book, my Mother and Shinjo-san. Because of that incident, the phone I used back then was disposed of, and I was pathetically given a kids’ phone as a new one. All my social media accounts were deleted without a trace, so I have no way of contacting my former acquaintances. Of course, my PC was disposed of too.

In other words… I have nothing to do but study.

But even then, I think I should get a part-time job to help with the household finances even a little. But my current school prohibits part-time jobs, and my Mother told me,「If you have time for that, use it to study,」so…

Well, they probably think I’ll do something stupid again if they give me freedom… I feel like that’s what the kids’ phone is for, too.

Anyway, for all those reasons, I spend most of my day alone… in solitude. Alone at school, alone at home, alone when I go out… and whenever I have a spare moment, I’m always thinking the same things alone. Even if I just go around in circles and never find an answer, I can’t help but think about it.

The me from back then was definitely crazy.

I’d gone insane.

I can see that clearly now. I still can’t believe I could think that way or do such horrible things.

I repeat my self-loathing every single day, thinking over and over how much I want to kill the me from that time.

I was pampered and flattered by everyone, arbitrarily convinced myself I had the best boyfriend ever, experienced a level of luxury that a high schooler has no business having, and felt like the protagonist of a Cinderella story. Moreover, I was drunk on the way everyone kept putting me on a pedestal, and I got more and more carried away. I got cocky. I became too arrogant.

And I didn’t want to let go of the「existence」that gave me that dream-like world… I didn’t want to lose my status, and before I knew it, I was willing to do anything without regard for appearances. Even if I felt a bit of hesitation, that man would whisper「It’ll be fine」to me, and I started genuinely hallucinating that everything was okay.

And the target of my malice, of all people, was…

「He’s my childhood friend, so he’ll forgive me.」

「If I explain it to him, he’ll understand.」

Even though there was no way that was true, I genuinely believed it… I’d convinced myself. I compared that man and my childhood friend for no reason, and toward my childhood friend who repeatedly lectured me, I started thinking things like「Why do I have to be lectured by a guy like this?」and「Anyone who gets in my way is just an enemy.」I really started thinking like that.

Even though the one who always watched over me kindly, the one who cared about me more than anyone, was undoubtedly my childhood friend.

And I successfully continued to grow more arrogant…

I kept taking that man’s words at face value, becoming ecstatic…

And that day, I lost everything.

After that, my Mother slapped my face over and over and cried her eyes out. The guilt I felt seeing her like that was beyond words, and I was truly shocked. Moreover, I was branded by my friends as the worst kind of criminal who tried to sell them out, and I was blocked by every single person without exception, reverting back to being completely alone.

In the middle of all that, seeing my Mother looking so lonely while cleaning up the house… I was finally, truly able to wake up from the dream.

But what was waiting for me was an even harsher reality that could only be called a nightmare…

The pathetic and ridiculous fact that I had been made an accomplice in criminal acts, and that I was nothing more than a「plaything」to that man. I had truly lost my heart to a man like that, offered up my most precious things, took everything he said seriously, got desperate, and even did things that can never be undone. I was a completely stupid, hollow, and miserable clown who had been ecstatic about being called the best couple while being envied by those around me… that was me.

While I was drowning in self-loathing, shutting myself away, and becoming depressed and a shut-in, my school transfer procedures were finished, and our family home was sold to pay for settlement money. Even though things were reaching a point where they didn’t feel real at all, I was left out of the loop until the very end.

And…

My Mother and I lost everything, and following the instructions of the daughter of the Nishikawa Group chairman (or her representative, to be precise), we moved to this city as we were told, leading to where I am today… that’s the story.

This is truly getting exactly what I deserved.

Karmic retribution.

The rust from my own body.

But, my Mother…

The fact that I dragged my Mother into my own karma…

「Haha…」

At my own stupidity and the spectacular mess I’ve made, I can’t help but let out a self-deprecating laugh.

Thinking about the situation back then when all sorts of rumors were flying around that my childhood friend was a criminal… the fact that it’s all coming back to me now makes it the most ridiculous and well-deserved story possible. Moreover, unlike my childhood friend, I’m not being falsely accused or framed; the fact remains that I was involved in criminal acts to a significant degree, so I can’t help but laugh at myself.

No matter what anyone says, the current me is a criminal. Just because I wasn’t charged doesn’t change the fact that I’m effectively the worst kind of wicked woman.

That’s why someone like me no longer has the right to even call my kind-hearted childhood friend by his name. No, I don’t even have the right to call myself his childhood friend. I don’t even have the right to remember him.

What kind of nerve do I have to even say such things now?

But that day…

The sad expression I saw on my childhood friend’s face at the end still remains deep in my heart…

Even if I think the same things every day, repeat my regrets, and fall into self-loathing every time, nothing will ever change. All that is left for me to do, what I must do, is nothing but atonement.

So, first, I’ll work hard on my studies toward atonement for my Mother and get into a good company. I’ll earn as much income as possible. I don’t need friends for that. I don’t need to play. It’s fine to be all alone.

And someday…

Even if I’m not forgiven… no, I’d actually prefer it if someone like me wasn’t forgiven.

Even so, at least…

「I’m sorry… Kazu-chan.」

A single drop… then another, flows down my face. They wet the pillow, but the childhood friend who would answer with a gentle smile when I whispered his name is no longer there. He won’t be coming back. There’s no way he would.

Because… I did all those things.

And… he has such a wonderful person by his side.

「The letter…」

When I look at my desk, I always see a white envelope. I leave it there in a conspicuous spot on purpose as a reminder to never forget my own sins.

The contents are a simple letter, and what’s written is also simple, unadorned, and perfectly direct.

「Even if your wicked deeds can never be forgiven, Kazunari-san still hopes somewhere in his heart that you will stand back up. If you feel any guilt toward Kazunari-san, if you have any desire to apologize, then one day, change your heart and return to the childhood friend you once were. To me, you are nothing but a poison, but if that is what Kazunari-san wishes, I will do everything in my power to support and push him toward that. And if you should disappoint Kazunari-san again, be prepared to experience a true hell from which you will never recover. I show no mercy to Kazunari-san’s enemies. I grant no pity. Make sure you never forget that.」

The sender of this letter is, of course, that person… my childhood friend’s lover.

That day, she spectacularly punched that lowlife man away, and while saying she was envious of me, she repeatedly showed off how close she was with my childhood friend… she is a woman with a level of beauty that is beyond common sense, someone who makes the idols and models on TV and in magazines look like nothing, and even I as a woman was captivated by her.

There is absolutely no way my childhood friend, who is so deeply loved and devotedly cared for by such a peerless beauty, would worry about someone as low as me. He’ll never smile at me again. There’s no way that would happen.

「But…」

Even so, looking at what was written in the letter…

While harboring a faint hope in the story that he wishes for my recovery…

I will live with a deep sense of atonement, thinking of the day when I can at least say「I’m sorry.」

Because that, and only that, is all that remains for me…

My one and only sliver of hope…